Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Finding the Soul

No April Fool's jokes here peeps!!! I'm coming back from a mini hiatus on my blog, as I had personal things in which needed dealing with. 

I've kind of taken the past few weeks to have a little "Eat, Pray, Love" time with new friends in which to do soul searching that I've so badly needed. I know as humans, moms, wives, etc, we tend to get lost in the monotony of life and the day to day of everything. Through living like this, I've lost myself, my way, my passions. Yes, I love my career as an Occupational Therapist, I love my daughter more than life itself, my husband is a good man. But just going through the motions of life, job and family doesn't make it right... doesn't help you find the happy.


Becoming a GOOD mother is all I've ever wanted to be. How can I teach Nugget to become strong, independent, willful, and to fight for whatever it is she feels is right and deserves? How do I teach self-worth? I wasn't taught those things. I wasn't taught how to love myself, but more that my self worth was through others' eyes. How do I give my daughter the happy, loving and stable environment when I don't even know who I am anymore? Becoming a wife has been good, but it's not all I am. Becoming a mother is amazing, but it's not all encompassing. Having a great career doesn't make me only an Occupational Therapist (and soon to be Certified Lactation Counselor).

How do I teach her the things I want her to have in life if I don't seek them myself?

My girlfriend said to me, you don't seem like this person that I'm looking at right now. This just doesn't seem like you. And she's right... I'm lost, but she has never yet had the opportunity to meet the real me yet, as she's an Arizona friend...

Something I said to a new friend I met the other night was (something like) this: I know nothing is written in stone... and fate and karma ebb and flow like the ocean. You can never pinpoint when they strike, and you never know what will happen at your next turn.


Fate throws things into your laps without you even realizing it, and it's our responsibility to either look at it, decide how and what we are going to do with it, and decide if we are going to fight for it, throw it away, or just hold on to whatever it is with everything all we've got. Honestly, I have no idea why fate threw this "Curveball" at me. This curve ball has given me an opportunity to experience a life and meet people I would have never met before. Some of these people have been intense, crazy, and even a little scary. Then there have been these amazing people, some of the most caring, beautiful, gentle, and bright souls that I have met. The light that shines through their souls is one that could illuminate the darkest of caves.

In regards to Karma, though we all know she's a major bitch, we always have to live our lives in the best manner possible. Being the best person we possibly can, doing unto others and all. Let's say in the past couple weeks I've some things I never would have expected to do in my life, ever. All I know is I have to keep moving forward, being the woman I am at my core, not doing things because it seemed like it was a good idea at the time, not being a person I said I'd never become... Being the soul I was intended to be- a person that serves others, one who loves no matter what and fiercely protects the ones I love dearly, one who forgives (though does not forget), and one who behaves as the woman I am to the absolute core of my being... No matter what, trying my hardest to give love and light out and block out the darkness... 



When we moved to Arizona, it certainly was full of sunshine. But, I didn't realize that moving here,  farther and farther away from my family, my friends, that I would be falling deeper into the darkness. That darkness is somewhere I know all too well, but this time, it's different. So, so different. I'm not "just unhappy" this time. I'm not just "in the pit" again. I'm in some different tunnel, something not familiar. I have to reassess where I went, I have to release what has stifled my soul, my being, my joy, my happiness. I need to read, write, paint, make pottery, sing my heart out and dance... 


Due to all of this, this is where I am... I am confused, lost, and yet, today feel more inspired to find myself again.





 


2 comments:

  1. You will come out on the other side of this tunnel stronger and more confident in who you are.

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  2. I find it interesting you decided to take a break this month. I found myself doing the same. And having moved to a different country from the one I grew up in and where all of my family and friends are, I can certainly relate to how that must make you feel. Perhaps it depends on the person, but I always felt that evolution does not just occur slowly over millions of years, but also in drastically short periods of time in a person's lifetime. I am NOT the woman I once was, in so many ways. I am in a stage of evolution, as I become something else.

    Growing up I ALWAYS put others first, and have always had a tendency to nurture and care for others. I realized recently I've neglected myself for years, and that's something I'm starting to change. I look forward to the life changes and the SELF changes in the coming years. And I hope you find your way.

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Thanks a bunch for your comment love!